inner part of myself?

sometime, i really confuse that what i really need....
sometime, i can't make a decision and get myself stuck inside there...
sometime, i don't really understand myself, even recognize my own self...
i wondering why i will suffer for all this
is that the thing that will be go through a life?
or i just a normal person, too normal person to understand what is life real meaning
if all the person know who i am...
and i believe all of them say that i like to 'blow water' a, 'sell fish' a, or such thing like that...
and i do believe i act like that sometime....
because of this, i become lack of confidence, lack of humor, and become 'la ta' a...
i have see through all my weakness
should i change those bad habit?
it sometime really hard to make the decision...
i have think that inner is the hardest thing to change...
if i don't change it now, i might be regret for my whole life...

therefore, at the end
i will try to change
change as much as possible...
let those people see a different of me
only inner, about outer i not very sure can change
but, i believe many people will tell me their formula to become 'pretty' again... hehez
what i can say here
i will try my best to achieve it
and i will not try to let those people that believe i can down...

hereby, i wish all the people who read this passage and would like to change themselves also
will achieve their dream.... make your dream become your life, make it more challenging...
so, Gambateh... and strike for it

埋在心中已久的感觉

我的心中总是有一种莫名其妙的感觉，一种被针刺的感觉。这种感觉已埋在我的心中很久了，应该有10年吧。。。那个时候，我拥有着一个美满的家庭。我一直都希望这个家庭能陪我共渡人生。但这个世上总有一些不能预测的事情会发生，我所希望的美满家庭的美梦被打碎了。
这是我一直以来所困扰的。。。
那时候，我跟平常的学生都一样念着小学。那时候，我还是一个不懂得天高地厚的頑皮小子，我回到家里便抛下书包，便去玩乐。我跟我心爱的婆婆去附近的草场玩。回到家后，婆婆就跟我说了很多人生的道理，她还说社会上有各种的人物会出现，和很多我都听不明白的道理，应该那时候我太小了，我便随便的点头就算了。
婆婆说完便说她累了，便走进他的房内睡了。我便拿起我的功课起来做，做下做下，时间跑得真快。多一会儿就是我婆婆喜欢看的电视节目，我便跑去她房外敲门，敲了很久都没人回应。我就去找我的双亲去问婆婆有出去吗？他们都说没有，于是我们便找门匙打开，我们所见到的就是一具冷冰冰的尸体。我的双亲立刻打电话求救，我呢？？我却在那儿傻傻的站在那儿看着婆婆。我的心中有多么的难过啊!!!!
几个小时前，婆婆还跟我去玩，跟我聊天，跟我说她遇到的人生道理。几个小时后，她便是一具不能再陪伴着我的尸体。我的眼中忍耐着，一直对自己说别掉眼泪，婆婆见到了会不喜欢。但我又能做些什么呢？我却无能为力，只能眼巴巴地看着她被人放进棺木里。我的心中多么难受啊！！！
她一直希望能看着我长大成人，看我的毕业典礼，看着我走向成功的路程，看着我结婚，抱孙子。。。
那时候，我便开始理解她对我说的人生道理，我们的人生中面对的障碍。我为了能明白世界的理念，我走去图书馆借，从电视节目中理解，我便知道每个人的路程都不一样。这也导致我提早了解社会的丑陋。
我一直很遗憾没能完成婆婆心愿。。。我不想再说了。。。越说越伤心。。。就到这边吧！！！